Walking By Faith & Living In Hope

1. 10
   Feb
   

   For my father..

   You know what screw you! I’ve done nothing but try to help you every time that I could!!! You owe me so much and I never hold it against you but every time that I ever even needs to ask you for the smallest bit of understanding and gratitude it’s like pulling teeth! I realize that I haven’t been that great of a communicator lately and I know that I sometimes have had the wrong priorities but please cut me a freakin break I am trying sooooooo sooo so very hard to please you and make you proud! Do you realize that’s the one thing I want in life, is to make you proud? to be able to sit there in the end sit with you face to face looking over the things that I’ve done and be able to show you and have you smile and say wow princess you really shot for the moon and landed in the stars. Idk what else I can do to please you but to give up complete control of my life move back home and live with you for the rest of my life. You have to realize that’s not me anymore, I make real life decisions every day. Sometimes they aren’t the greatest but you know I live with those decisions and I make up for them and deal with the consequences I don’t run or hide from them I accept them learn from them and move the fuck on! Gosh I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to understand that I have grown up, maybe when I was living with you, you really didn’t understand how independent I truly was, because you were there to clean up my messes and pay the bills and check up on my status but you know really I can do all those things on my own and I have for the past almost six months now.. Obviously I haven’t ended up in jail or out on the streets so I must be doing something right and hold some qualities that some people find admirable.  But I’m sorry if you can’t find it in your heart to look at the picture from far away and instead you must magnify the faults that you can find close up.  I can’t believe you; I truly look up to you and respect you more than almost any other person in my entire world… why you’re doing this to me confuses me beyond reason of understanding.  How could you possibly accuse me of forgetting my sisters birthday, Do you realize I’ve carried a guilt of not being there all day, do you know how it hurts me that I can’t be there for her..  Obviously, when you state things like Jessica’s 16^th b-day was today thanks to all those that remembered and wished her best wishes for those who didn’t and you know who you are should be ashamed; do you not think I would know who that is aimed towards?!?!  And your email, shall I even begin with that hideous piece of mail? “Erika, I am not real sure what is going on but the back and forth thing with Sunkiss needs to come to a stop. (it is not a back and forth thing, it is a fact that I paid $1000 for a dog that I’ve only got to spend time with for close to three months, I love my dog and realize that you’ve become attached to her but unless you’re willing to pay me for her then I suggest that you just release her back into my care easily) Sunkiss has overcome her fearfulness being here and your mom and I work with her everyday she is your dog and you can do what you please but you need to do what is in the busy interest of her (her best interest is to be in a place without an entire herd of other dogs, yes you guys work with her but to what extent, I’ve seen the way goliath was raised up and I don’t want that for my dog the behavior will not be tolerated). I am sick of hearing how you’re going to run over here and take her and the puppies all it does is cause upset and anger. These puppies will not be old enough to go until they are 8-10 weeks old so they can have the best start at life we are going to keep one of them because Goliath fathered them and it appears he cannot mate with Lovey because of the size difference( that is fine if you’re going to keep one but keeping one for yourself and one for Jessica is unacceptable I am going to sell at the very least one of them if not two of them from this litter, I didn’t want her having babies so young but that situation was completely out of my control and I couldn’t prevent it as you could have) So if this is how we are going to play ( ya because that’s such an appropriate expression!) so be it I am uncertain as to why you are choosing these friends over your family (I am not choosing between the two that is something that you have convinced yourself of and are using it as your own person excuse to stay aggravated at me and the fact that I can actual provide for myself when you can’t!) and there whispers in your ear seem to make more sense to you than your own common sense (its called advice and maybe listening to others and taking some others experiences and advice and talents into account would be productive and allow me to make more of an educated decision!). I have tried to stay out of EVERYTHING but this is nonsense. Erika I love you and have bigger more important battles to fight than the decisions you are making in your life (yea those decisions must be more important than your daughter… like how you’re going to afford your next coffee or can of chew)  but know this and please take it to heart your being reckless and are putting yourself into a positions that are dangerous and have real disastrous outcomes.(ya going to my boyfriend’s house and drinking could be a bad thing if I hadn’t done it a million times before with you, I know better than to drive I have common since when it comes to all of it I drop my keys off with mom have a responsible adult around and limit myself, I control so much that I don’t even get freakin hangovers so eat it!) Sunkiss and her puppies mean a lot to us and we do everything to take care of them but in 10 weeks if it is your desire to take them from here so be it we are going to keep the one that has the white ring like Goliath and I will hope to be alive long enough to get another male that we can breed Lovey with. (Be alive long enough, way to through your emending death into this to make me feel guilty such an adolescent move) So do what you will but these conversations need to come to an end it just hurts people’s feelings and we cannot have it there is enough already going on to because hurt feelings. You have told people that if you had to choose between your family and friends you would choose friends (that is complete b.s and like everything else you’re looking for a fight well when you say shit like that your gonna find it and its not gonna be with the person you can win a battle against) Erika I truly hope that is not true. I seem not to get replies back from you so I will assume you got this and we can come to some understanding (I always reply and call you at least once every few days it’s not like I’ve become completely solitude against you all just over distance its pathetic and even when you wrote this letter I was on the phone with your youngest daughter so shove it up your ass if you think you’re going to make me feel guilty over that!). I Love You, Dad”